Funny Valentines Day Quotes By Famous Comedians to touch your valentine's heart. Express your feelings with your valentine by using these best quotes.
- "February is a month of months, and there is one special day: Valentine's Day on the 14th. I know it's still a ways off, but I just can't wait. Janice, if you're watching, will you make me the happiest man in the world and get out of my apartment?" -Ed Helms
- "Ever have that one friend who gets a Valentine's Day gift for their mother? Doens't that freak you out a little? It's like, 'I don't know how to break this to you but I think she's banging your dad!'" -Russ Meneve
- "It goes Christmas, New Year's Eve, Valentine's Day. Is that fair to anyone who's alone? These are all days you gotta be with someone. And if you didn't get around to killing yourself at Christmas or New Year's, boom! There's Valentine's Day. I think there should be one more after Valentine's Day just called, 'Who could love you?'"
- "I have a dream, and a plan, to combine the commercial possibilities of Valentine's Day with the substance and meaning of black history month. I call it: Blackentine's Day." -Mo Rocca
- "The jewelry stores say, 'Tell your wife you love her with a diamond,' while wives tell you they love you with, 'Ok, but just because it's Valentine's Day.'" -George Lopez
- "Happy Valentine's Day! And if this is news to you, my guess is you're probably alone. Valentine's Day is often times a, well, it's a manufactured day that really doesn't mean anything." -Jon Stewart
- Valentine's Day money-saving tips: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th. In place of bubble bath, use lavender-scented dish-washing liquid.
- "I love Valentine's Day. When you're a kid everyone gets a Valentine. It's like 'TO TIM, NICE PANTS, LOVE SCOTT'. It's Valentines galore!" -Mike Birbiglia
- "Today is Valentine's Day. Or, as men like to call it, Extortion day." -Jay Leno
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- "Every year, girls are like, 'This is the year I get diamonds!' And guys are like, 'This is the year I get a blowjob!' Everybody's disappointed." -Aisha Tyler
- "Let me tell you why I hate Valentine's day: Because a few years ago on Valentine's night I thought I would have nice romantic evening in with the lady. Little did I know, that same night, her ex boyfriend decided he would win her heart back. And being the sweet, romantic guy that he is, he thought the best way to do this was to get all coked up and then jump through a window and TRY TO MURDER ME... You know what, it worked. They're still together." -Doug Mellard
- "Today, folks, should be all about love. Unless you're old." -Stephen Colbert
Hopefully you enjoy these funny valentines day quotes by comedians.
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